||[Feb. 9th, 2004|07:08 pm]
I've been ordered out into the hall while the nurses tend to Moony's wounds. I...I could have lost him, it could've been the last time I saw him, on Friday. He might not have come back.
I can't take much more of this. All this death...it's beginning to surround me like a dark cloud, and I come home from the Order now more depressed than I was when I arrived at HQ.
Times likes this make me think of my family disowning me, for some reason. Guess it's because there's an ever-present stench of betrayal in the air now, everywhere. We can't seem to get information quick enough to halt a spy or murder, and when we do catch wind of the perpertrator, it's an old acquaintance, or classmate from Hogwarts, half the time.
I'm starting to wallow again. I can't even think straight, I've got this horrible pounding in my head, and I can't get rid of it. I've started smoking again, and I know Remus hates it. He always hates when I smoke to rid myself of anything unpleasant...at least it's better than yelling out a member of the Order, like I sometimes do.
My thoughts are so jumbled, and even when I look back at what I just wrote, I can't make sense of it. James always said I was a bit of a puzzler, and considering I can't even figure out what I just wrote about proves him right.
I should go visit him soon, to see how he and Lily are getting along. I haven't had time for much personal chat with them lately, let alone a cup of tea. There hasn't even been an hour where Remus and I can just sit in front of the fire, and not talk at all. Most of it's been arguing with each other over tension, then forgiving each other and falling asleep from exhaustion. It's not like I can simply brush off work, like I did with classwork at Hogwarts.
Everything is too rushed. I'm being thrown into a time where confusion is the very element of life, the topic of all chatter. I want to be back in a time where we didn't have to worry about anything like that---when Remus and I were still getting to know each other really, truly well for the first time, when Peter was in love with that Hufflepuff, and James was still trying to woo Lily. When we were prats and bigshots. I want out.
I just want out.